And so has the Fall come

I am an Autumn child. Nothing makes me happier than colors of fall. The smell of rain and nature after it just is so amazing. I was born in late September. No one can blame me for being happy about dark nights and sunshine lighting orange and yellow leaves. I don't care, I love it!

Things are deeper than what they seem to be

I always thought I have to be liked by a lot of people. So much have I hated myself if someone didn't like me. I blame myself for every (not good) thing that happens to me. I have heard so many million times that you have to first like yourself before anyone else can. But have I ever understood it? No I have not. It is always so damn difficult to like yourself and I think this especially applies for girls. It is a well known fact that we cannot see all the good things about ourselves and we compare ourselves to others. Some say it is healthy and ok to compare yourself to someone else but in my case, I do it all the time. I can never feel that I am good enough. There will always be someone who will be picked before me and over me, at least that is how I feel about myself. I wish I could just accept myself  the way I am and not wanting to be anything else that what I am.

There are days when I feel strong and confident, I actually like myself, I feel good about myself. But then the days that I believe everyone has, come by and drown the good feelings and build a nasty and dark wall between the good and bad feelings. Confidence is not for sale because if it was, I would have used all my savings to get it. But since it isn't I've had to learn how to create it all by myself. And I have learned that all my experiences, good and bad ones, build my confidence up or bring it down. I tried to explain once to one friend of mine how I think I have a lot of confidence but I have a bad self esteem. I have strong opinions and I am not afraid to express them (at least not anymore). But I just can't make myself to feel good about me. But still I know this fact, and I think everyone does; You gotta like yourself because if you don't then
who does?

Just while being super bored :D

no make up

make up

glasses! :D

Ready for summer to arrive!

Text is backwards cuz of the mirror you know :)

I can count on you!

Vappu feelings! :)

Times go by, memories will stay

Some pictures from few months back

Best of the best

Love my life. I have the best of the best friends in the whole wide world!

When I feel good, I look good

Piristys

Tänään oli äikän koe eikä se nyt niin kauheen hyvin menny.. No projektista tuli 9 niin se vähän lohduttaa :) Biologian koe on huomenna ja en ihaan tosissaankaan ole jaksanut lukea. En oo ikinä ennen tälleen oikeesti luovuttanu. Paitsi ehkä fysiikassa mutta se nyt on jo eri asia :D Oon niin loppuun palanut enkä jaksa edes kuvitella kokeiden tekemistä tai ainakaa niihin lukemista. Mitä musta ikinä tulee kun motivaatio on kadonnut.. Tein kunnon eväätkin kokeisiin lukemiseen, mutta olin syöny ne jo kahen ekan kappaleen jälkeen. No ainaki yritin. Sitten vaan nukahtelin kokoajan kun yritin lukee. Masennus iskee. Iltapalaksi oli kiva vohveli piristys, iskäkin teki oman versionsa :D

Sweet and sour

Nyt kyllä jotenki tulee tekstiä ihan vaan suomeksi :D Huomenna olis enkun preli ja en oo jaksanu lukee ollenkaa. Mulla oli sellanen master plan että pyyän tän päivän vapaaks et voin lukee sanoja kertauskurssin kirjasta. No kävin aamulla tekeen matikan kokeen, hengailin serkkusteni luona ja sit palautuksessa sain matikan kokeen takas ja ysihän sieltä napsahti! Mukava nousu, kun edellisestä tuli kutonen :D No niin anyway sithän sitä olis ehtiny koko päivän lukee mutta Liikkukortti poltteli taskussa ja oli pakko mennä reenaan :) Huomenna oon todellakin jumissa jääkylmässä salissa tekemässä enkun preliä.. Toisaalta ihan hyvä kokeilla että kuinka hyvin tää menee tälleen lennosta niin tietää mihin sit panostaa kesällä kun lukee oikeisiin kirjotuksiin :)

On niin tosi outoa, että tää oli viimenen jakso kun abit oli koulussa. Kaikki tai ainakin suurin osa alottaa lukuloman. Jännää kun tulee niin tyhjä olo, munhan pitäs tavallaa olla niiden kanssa samassa jamassa, mutta päätin sit pitää "välivuoden". Oon ihan kivasti ystävystynyt näiden kakosten kanssa joten enmä ainakaa ihan yksin jää :D Kuitenki, abit on ollu iso osa mun lukioo ja tänä vuonna varsinki oon tutustunu joihinki vielä paremmin! :)

Iskällä teki niin kauheesti mieli makeeta nii piti käydä kaupassa hakeen kaikkee hyvää. No kotona se laitto sit kaikki mun syyksi, kun Johanna halus lakritsia ja suklaata jne. Reilu! :DD

Stressed my head off.

I am super stressed out about school right now. I feel like I have way too much going on in that area but actually I only have like few larger projects to get done. Next week is an exam week, more to stress about I guess. I don't know what has happened to me over the last year. I used to study a hell of a lot and did everything in time. I did stress about everything then too, but now I'm leaving everything until the last minute and trying to find someone to blame. It is me myself who to blame. I am the one doing it or leaving it undone.  I just have to deal with it. I have literally lost my motivation and determination. Don't know what to do anymore.

"What are words when you you really don't mean them.."

".. when you say them." 

Those lyrics just happen to touch my heart :) I've thought about them a lot during my short life. It is a great question no matter who says them or what ever they say. 

I received a package from the US today and it felt so nice to realize again, how much I am loved over there. It is such a blessing to have two homes and two families. But now, more than ever, my heart aches to go back where part of it stays. I have a plan to go there next summer, actually :) Can't wait! It only means more work! :)

Oh and Happy New Year 2013! :)